SAN FRANCISCO—In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. “Although the patient is still recovering from the procedure, they are doing well and have already brought Mr. Musk to orgasm dozens of times,” said neurosurgeon Nicholas McGregor, who excitedly announced that company researchers had observed the patient servicing Musk in a multitude of outright filthy ways they would have never agreed to otherwise. “By sending just a few electrical signals to the patient’s brain, we were able to get them to stand up, zip themselves up into a latex suit, and immediately begin going to town on Mr. Musk’s testicles. Soon, the way billionaires are pleasured could change forever. This is made all the more promising after our limited success with monkeys.” At press time, Neuralink had released a somber statement confirming the patient had died while defecating on Musk’s chest.