My dad literally hits me and punishes me by starving me. However, my friend says he’s “just trying to shape me into the perfect young man” and that he “truly loves me”. This almost makes me think she’s either my dad in secret or dating my dad.
In all seriousness, what do I do? Stop talking to her? Talk to her? Be her friend despite it?
Maybe someone should create a relationship advice community, because !asklemmy@lemmy.ml isn’t supposed to be that. It’s supposed to be an r/AskReddit clone.
There’s one at !relationship_advice@lemmy.world
there is, but certain users get downvoted
In all seriousness, what do I do? Stop talking to her? Talk to her? Be her friend despite it?
Find her father, seduce him, become pregnant with his child, cause him to divorce his wife, forever remind your “friend” that you are her mother now, cut her out of the will, watch her become destitute, laugh at her as she ages prematurely from stress.
There is a lot of evidence that this type of punishment is counter productive and leads to more problems that it solves. EG https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health-wellness/health-encyclopedia/he.corporal-punishment.tm4923
Maybe you can show her those things and point out that those behaviors do not create healthy relationships. If she agrees with him, maybe her relationship is also not healthy, and should be limited.
In the short term? Grey rock your “friend.” This person is an enabling shit who does not have your best interests at heart. You are being physically abused. What you describe isn’t corporal punishment (which I personally consider to still be physical abuse), it is abuse. Starving someone to punish them is abuse. Anyone who takes part in, or enables said abuse is not someone you want in your life.
Do you have anyone safe in your life that you could go to? Other friends that would not condone what you are experiencing? An estranged parent? Even a trustworthy teacher? I’d recommend trying to build up a support network of people who actually care for your well being before pushing this enabling piece of trash out of your life.
With a friend like that you don’t need enemies.
How would you react if you read this post as a stranger? Would you be okay with a father abusing a child?
Please also look for help outside an internet forum <3
Tell her to fuck off. She doesn’t care about you.
In all seriousness, what do I do?
You document your dad’s child abuse and then report him so he can be prosecuted, convicted, and given a proper punishment back.
You seem to value fairness and justice. I worked at a shelter and it’s often not as simple. Often, the dependency that children have with their abusive parents (or partners with their abusive partners) is something that needs to be worked on first, before any attempt to leave is made.
Yikes, that terrible…
I think you need some more “official” help to this (I dont know where to direct you though…)
As to the “shaping” part, that’s your dad traumatizing you to conform to patriarchy and eventually become emotionally numb and cruel, ~just what patriarchy wants in order to survive… ughh, that’s really bad (you can learn more from the book “The will to change”, where bell hooks explains it very well)
Punch her in the mouth and then say you’re just trying to shape her into the perfect young lady.
But more reasonably, let her know she’s a monstrous piece of shit and an awful friend and that you’ll be cutting ties due to her pro-child-abuse beliefs. Then do that.
I hope you can find a safe situation somewhere far away from these assholes soon.
She’s the definition of gaslighting. Starvation and physical violence are not part of a healthy education.
I’d be concerned that she’s been conditioned to believe such things in her home life as normal. No joke, congrats to you for recognizing the abuse you’re going through. It’s tough to spot and name it, let alone talk about it to others. Great first steps on your part. For your friend, it sounds like she’s going through or has gone through something.
I’d suggest talking with a trusted adult, any trusted adult about this. They’re going to give you better perspective and, more importantly, assistance with your situation, which is absolutely not ok.
For your friend, I can think of 2 responses:
- Ask her if she’s been abused and conditioned to think that abuse is ok. Tell her that abuse isn’t ok, and that if she’s been abused, she needs to talk to someone about that, like a trusted authority figure.
- If this is a “debate me, bro” situation, there are endless resources that prove that victims of abuse are, indeed, victims. In other words, abuse doesn’t strengthen anyone in the relationship; it weakens the victim through abuse and trauma. You can find all sorts of studies on any angle you’d like to pursue.
Sounds to me like this friend has gone through similar experiences and this is their coping mechanism.
Compromising your health as a ‘means to teach’ is not good parenting. Physical abuse and starvation are recognized means of torture, as far as I’m aware. Please seek help,if possible.
As for your friend, if you’ve already tried explaining your situation and that still doesn’t register as abuse, you can tell her that you require support at this time, not additional work from someone in a position to support. It’s ok to take a break from her for a time while you try to better your situation.
Best wishes bud, hang in there.
Fake or go to the police. Gather evidence of your father’s actions first, then report him. Full stop, end of post. The friend is literally irrelevant.
Maybe her view on proper parenting is also skewed by abuse? Not that it makes it ok. Was just talking with my psych, apparently the way my mother treated me growing up is considered abuse, just not the physical type. It really fucks with your head when you grow up with that sorta treatment.
Either way, don’t settle for abuse. Keep notes about incidents times, dates, what happened, any photographic evidence of bruises from beatings. Go see your local police if you trust them, if not try to look up any youth assistance groups.
