Reliability, patience, kindness, interest.
Previously, many fathers didn’t even change diapers. Reliably being there for your kid day after day, from diapers to little league games, are all important.
Patience because kids try new things in a new world they are still figuring out, and to you it might seem intentionally pushing buttons but they are literally new.
Kindness, because while you are dealing with them having a rough day causing you to have a rough day, you need to be kind to both yourself for getting frustrated and them. Life is rough, we don’t need to make it moreso for anyone.
Interest, because no one should feel like no one is on their side, like no one understands them. Encourage them for things they are interested. Be interested in what they have to say even when they are just telling you they saw a rock, because they just learned what a rock is. They will keep going to you and tell you all the things they are doing later in life too, and you will have a better overall relationship.
Patience, first and foremost
I would think being genuinely interested in your kids hobbies and actively listening to them would be a couple actions that contribute.
Emotional intelligence and reliability
So when I was a child, my dad was a violent, alcoholic, asshole. And for a long time, that’s the only perspective I had of him. Now that I’m older and there are children around me, I can appreciate that he, for all of his glaring faults, was always present. Some dads aren’t that way. He was always there and always held us accountable and always to a high standard: nothing ever slipped.
In my case, the penalty inflicted for not meeting those standards was terrible… but as an adult I can have respect and some admiration for a father who makes time everyday to interact with his child, help them be aware of his or her responsibilities, and help the child meet them.
I feel you.
My dad was paranoid and delusional. He would have dreams that dead relatives were telling him that living relatives were conspiring against him, me included. He drowned in his suspicion, sued his own family, and interrogated me about made up madness before dropping dead of a heart attack that I have no doubt his stress contributed to.
When I was young, I hated him for being mean and insane, but then through my 20’s, I had several experiences on psychedelics that felt strongly like spiritual messages. Unlike my father, I never acted on them in any way that was conspiratorial or harmful to others, but I began to see his perspective in a new light. I understood a bit of his conviction to believe his visions—when it’s happening to you, it feels very real indeed.
When he died, I had no anger left, just sadness that we never had the opportunity to repair. I wrote him a note telling him I forgave him and apologized for the part I played in the distance between us. I slipped it into his suit pocket before they closed the casket, and I never saw him again.
Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to sit in silence with him and smoke a cigar (his favorite activity). I think we could have found healing through simply being in each other’s presence and enjoying an activity without words.
I have his nose. I have acquired some skills that he had too. He’s in me, and I try not to forget it. My mom acts like I was immaculately conceived and only connected to her side of the family, but as I get older, I find more of him in me all the time. I just try to remember where he went wrong so I don’t follow the same destructive path, but recognizing his reflection in my own life has brought me a lot of peace and understanding for how he acted in my childhood.
So what makes a good father? Hell if I know, but I think it probably starts with recognizing generational similarities and choosing a healthier path in hope that you can make your contribution to generational change.
And if your kid reaches out to you, it would really make them feel better if you reach back. I wish mine had.
Adopting a child that needs a family, not creating one that needed nothing.
Adoption can be quite difficult, or simply impossible.
