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WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the prospect of unconstitutional overreach by the Trump administration, millions of fearful Americans have already begun stockpiling facts before the federal government comes to take them away, sources confirmed Friday. “I know my rights as an American, so you’d better believe I’m getting my hands on as many facts as possible and keeping them somewhere safe where this First Amendment–hating president of ours can’t snatch them all up,” said Pittsburgh resident David Edelman, 38, adding that he was worried that President Trump planned to not only suspend production of facts, but also seize existing ones, leaving Americans and their families completely defenseless. “The minute I saw Trump, I knew he was someone who didn’t grow up around facts or the kind of folks who use facts. Well, the founding fathers cherished my right to possess facts, and they’d be rolling in their graves if they knew the Feds were going to bust in and try to steal our facts in the middle of the night.” A spokesperson for the Trump administration dismissed such fears, saying that the president merely wanted to keep facts away from certain dangerous people.
They likely can’t do it overnight, but they can do it the same way they’ve been stripping everything else: Joke about it, hint at it, do it a little bit, do it some more in secret, blame liberals for it, do it in Texas or Florida, and then do it completely. They can get exactly the Internet they want us to have if we let them.